


So many words we're not saying

by vanmcshouldntmccann



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blow Jobs, Depressed Niall, Fluff and Angst, Harry and Niall are best friends, Harry is secretly in love with Niall, Hate Sex, Love/Hate, M/M, Mean Zayn, Niall coming out of the closet, Riding, Smut, Suicidal Niall, Zayn and hart battle for niall, Zayn is confused, Zayn reacts badly to Niall, basically in denial, could end up in a possible 3 way, fuck what about Louis and Liam, he's gay but doesn't realize it, well mostly to Zayn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-26 00:53:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7553908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanmcshouldntmccann/pseuds/vanmcshouldntmccann
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>basically Niall comes out to Harry, admitting that he's gay and in love with Zayn, and Harry accepts him, saying he always will since he's his best mate. Little does Niall know, Harry is actually madly in love with him. Everything goes to shit one drunken night, where Niall confesses his love to Zayn, who's is repulsed and disgusted, bust mostly confused, not yet coming to terms he does indeed love Niall too. Everyone is shocked the next morning when Niall comes into the studio, bloodied and bruised. Harry's concern for his best friend continues to grow increasingly, until it explodes, when the boys find a suicide note from Niall<br/>It's a race for the clock, and Nialls heart</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Coming clean

"Niall, s'alright, you can tell me," Harry says, emerald eyes warm and comforting. 

"Hazza..." I sigh, and duck my head between my knees, running a hand though my hair. 

"Ni, just out with it already"  
I look up at my best friend, biting my lip. This is the part, the defining moment where I might lose him forever. 

"I'm gay Haz.... And I'm in love with Zayn"


	2. A friend like you

4 months later...

 

I'm laying in my hotel bed with Harry, cuddled in his arms. It's been four months since I came out to him, admitting that I was in love with out band mate Zayn, and four months he's stayed by my side. He was perfectly accepting of me, and I was forever grateful to him for that.   
I had told him I wasn't ready to come clean to the rest of the band yet, let alone Zayn. He understood, telling me he supported anything that I decided. 

We have a bit of a break, the tour slowly coming to a close. We're all supposed to be meeting at the studio sometime this week to start recording for our next album. 

"Nillar, I think it's time you go in for a touch up, don't you think?" Harry purrs, running his fingers through my now mostly brown locks, distracting my thoughts. It had been a while since I got my hair cut, so my natural colour was very apparent, with a bit of blonde on the ends and tips.   
"Mmmm says you, never 'tamin those curly locks of yours" I tease, sitting up and straddling him. I throw him a wicked grin, and pin his arms above his head.   
I love teasing him, and I know he loves me teasing him as well.   
"Ni-" he says in a strangled voice, emerald eyes closing slightly, and he interlaces our fingers.   
"Careful Hazza, I might just turn you queer with me," I whisper, leaning down and nibble on his ear. I grind my hips against his, slowly, feeling his member slowly come to life against his jeans.   
A soft moan escapes his lips, and his hips buck up to meet mine, rubbing our now fully hard erections against each other. 

This is nothing new. It's a little bit of an unspoken agreement between us. It started after I came out to him, but was never officially announced.   
I feel bad a bit, he's basically letting me use him to get my sexual frustrations out, but at the same time, I know he enjoys it to some degree, making me wonder if he's curious, or simply just a young man with raging hormones, loving every second of attention at his cock, whether it be a girl or guy. 

"Niall," he gasps, and I can see the lust in his eyes, his lips parted slightly.   
I smirk, hopping off the bed and lean down to kiss his forehead gently. 

"Love 'ya Haz," I say with a wink, pulling on my shoes.   
"M' goin' to see what the lads are up to" I throw over my shoulder as I walk out the room. 

If I had stayed a second longer, I would've been able to hear him call softly  
"I love you too Niall, I love you too"


	3. What I wish I could say

Harry's POV

 

I fall back on the bed, exasperated. I felt wrong, I've been letting Niall tease me to help him cope with not being able to come out to anyone yet, but I love it when he does. I love him.   
I haven't told him yet, I don't want to make things awkward, and I don't want to lose him as a friend, I think to myself, standing up from the bed and grabbing my phone off the nightstand. 

I see a text from Liam   
*We're all going out for drinks tonight, join us. We need to celebrate the tour coming to a close*

*yeah sure* I reply, and grab a coat, and head downstairs to meet the rest of the boys in the lobby 

 

30 minutes later, we're all crammed at a table in a pub, laughing, close to tears  
"You should've seen Harry's face when that chick in LA chucked the water bottle at him" Louis laughs, slapping his knee 

I grin lazily, raising my beer in response.   
"I had security throw her out faster than Zayn getting a new tattoo" I smirk at Zayn and I see him scowl

"I can't help that I want to decorate my body, I'm a piece of art, my body is the canvas" he explains, downing two more shots. 

I steal a glance at Niall, who's oddly quiet, and I see him playing with his pint.   
"You can definitely say that again" I hear him murmur, but no one else catches it. 

His face is a slight shade of pink, a small crooked smile on his lips, and I watch him look at Zayn, feeling a pang of jealously.   
He always gets this certain look when he's around Zayn, a look that I wish he could look at me like that, but I know that that'll never happen. 

The conversation drabbles on, and by the time the sun has set, we're all pissed drunk.


	4. Take me home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter there's gonna be an intense, graphic violent scene...  
> Be prepared

Naills POV

 

When we all step out of the pub, we al cling onto each other, shit faced drunk.   
My arm is thrown lazily around Liam's neck, and his arms, wait? Louis? I blink, humming and look down, surprised to see Zayn's arms entwined around my waist.   
Louis and Harry are actually on the ground, laughing their arses off. 

We all grin, and I feel warm, really warm.   
Fuck, I don't think I've ever drank this much. 

Words are exchanged above my head, and I cant process them, the alcohol starting to take full effect. 

"Nialler"  
I blink  
Zayns in front of me, fave red, lazy grin on his face. His caramel skin is illuminated by the street lights, and I can see a bit of stubble forming on his cheeks and chin. Fuck, he's beautiful 

"Yea?" 

"Spend the night with me, haven't spent quality time with you in a while" he mumbles, linking arms with me. 

The next thing I know, we're back at the hotel, in his room this time. We stumble in, and he turns on the light, both of us collapsing in a heap on his bed. 

"Missed you Ni" he coos, and I cuddle up to him, resting my head on his strong chest.   
It's still warm, it's actually gotten fucking hot. I feel the buzz rushing throughout my body, just feeling utterly at peace.   
I've missed this. I've been on edge around Zayn since I told Harry, avoiding him, slowly detaching myself. 

I only hum in agreement, closing my eyes. He smells so good, a strong, woodsy type of smell. 

He shifts, and suddenly we're sitting up. I blink, opening my eyes. 

"Why've you been avoiding me Niall? Did I do something wrong? M' sorry if I did, didn't mean to offend ya in any way" he says seriously, raven eyes meeting my blue ones. All I can concentrate on is how close his face is, how his lips are in a soft pout.   
You could tell him, I think, still staring at his lips. It's better now than ever, you're both drunk, what's the worst that could happen? 

I close my eyes, and close the space between us, pressing my lips to his firmly, hand snaking up around his waist pulling him closer.


	5. This isn't the real you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!!!  
> This chapter will be a little violent, as the next chapter continues, it will gradually become more graphic soooo :^) 
> 
> Read at your own risk!  
> P.s Zayn doesn't mean it (kinda)  
> Remember they're both drunk so that adds to the chaos

Niall's POV

 

I honestly didn't know what I was expecting when I kissed him. Smart Niall realized that it was a bad idea, but drunk Niall insisted that I kiss him, and not worry about the possible consequences

I was surprised when I felt him lean into me though, deepening the kiss. He tasted strongly of vodka, mixed with cigarettes and something sweet, I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Either way, the kiss was intoxicating, and I needed more of it, I needed more of him.   
His hands snaked up to my hair, tugging on the roots gently, and I couldn't help it, I let out a soft moan.   
"Zayn," I whine against his lips.   
We shift again, and I feel myself laying on my back, and Zayn straddling me.   
I pause, opening my eyes, vision fading in and out. He's a beautiful blur above me, and I open my mouth to try and explain  
What I've been dying to tell him for months now, how much I love him, that that's why I've been avoiding him, I didn't want to make things awkward between us. 

I don't have a chance to say a word though, I'm cut off by his hands closing around my throat, restricting my breathing. 

I struggle, thrashing against him, hands desperately trying to pry his off of my neck, tears forming in my eyes.   
This had to be a bad dream, it had to be.   
This isn't the sweet, caring Zayn that I knew, the one that was cuddling with me just moments ago. 

The pressure around my neck grew heavier as he leaned down, next to my ear, my vision slowly giving out, as exhaustion took over my body.   
"I didn't know you were a faggot Horan, does that mean you like taking in the ass?" Was the last thing I heard, before everything went black.


	6. Why am I this way?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The long awaited chapter... Brace yourselves. 
> 
> I'm also on wattpad!! I have two stories going on there as well, both about a different band fanfic  
> They're Catfish and the Bottlemen, you guys should give it a looksie:)  
> My username on wattpad is lare_bear14
> 
>  
> 
> Thank youuuuu lovelies

Zayn's POV

 

A million thoughts are racing through my already foggy brain, as I let go of the Irish lads neck, seeing his eyes close. 

Did I kill him? Fuck

I press my fingers to his neck, breathing out a sigh of release when I feel a pulse.  
I'm still overcome by anger and disgust.  
I actually let him kiss me. And... I liked it..?  
No  
No I can't  
I'm not gay  
I'm not a faggot  
I shake my head, and look down at the unconscious boy in front of me.  
So this is why he's been avoiding me. He's gay.  
I stare at my band mate, the cute boy who's Irish charm always puts a smile on my face. He's always up for a game of footie, even though he can't play for shit. The friend that's always been there for me, to support me through everything. Who's been there for me every step of the way.  
And that's when I realize, that I think I love Niall.  
I feel myself ripping in two, as part of me wants to run away from him, run away and never have anything to do with him ever again.  
I'm Muslim, it goes against everything in my religion.  
I study the younger boy, watching his chest rise and fall with every breath. I can his muscle definition through his shirt, he really got fit over the last couple months. No longer is he the skinny, awkward little bloke that landed in the band with us, but a handsome young man, who evened out nicely.  
I shake my head, hating myself for even thinking that. 

I get up off the bed and pace the room, guilt knawing at my stomach, feeling awful for choking him.  
I don't know what came over me.  
One minute we were kissing and then the next.... 

Shit, Zayn, you're drunk. You're way too drunk for this right now, I think to myself and run a hand through my hair.  
I can feel the throbbing in my jeans though, hating how I got turned on just by him kissing me.  
Hating the fact that I loved how our bodies for together perfectly.  
YOU. ARE. NOT. GAY  
I tug at my hair, gritting my teeth.  
I look at the blonde boy again, setting my jaw, realizing what I have to do. 

There's no going back Zayn.  
Your friendship with Niall, it's gonna be over.  
I lick my lips, hesitantly.  
You're gonna see what it's like, to be with a man, and you're gonna force yourself to hate it. 

Niall begins to stir, and I fight back tears as I walk over to the bed, yanking him up by his hair, and forcing him onto the ground, on his knees.  
I hear a whimper, and dare myself to look down at him, meeting his wide blue eyes, that are pooling up with tears.  
"Z-Zayn?"  
Faggot.  
I slap him, hard across the cheek, and he lets out a cry, cradling his cheek.  
"Z-Zayn, pl-please I'm s-sorry" he stutters, crawling back against the wall.  
His face is red, eyes wide with fear, and I can see his breathing start to increase.  
He's so beau-  
I storm over to him, snaking him again, and grab him by his blonde locks, yanking him on his knees again. 

"Since you're such a faggot, you're gonna suck me Horan, you're gonna take my whole cock down your throat like the little slut you are" I hiss, tugging extra hard on his roots.  
He's crying now, and I have to look away from the whimpering mess beneath me

This is for your own good Zayn. 

"I'm waiting Horan" I say, making my voice ice cold, and motion for him to get going. 

He looks up at me, tears streaming down his pale face, and shakes his head. 

"Zayn please, don't make me do this. Let's talk yeah" he tries to reason with me, and it takes all my strength not to breakdown and hug him, pull him into my arms and apologize and kiss him, until I've made it all better. 

"Looks like we're gonna have to do it the hard way," I growl, pulling him up by the collar of his shirt and throwing him on the bed.  
I lick my lips, aware of the growing hardness in my jeans, knowing that I have to show myself that I can't be this way, I have to force myself to hate it.  
The only way I could do that, is by making the one person that I love, hate me. 

I see him shrink back on the bed as I approach. I undo my belt, tossing it on the floor.  
He tries to make a run for it, leaping off the bed, and fleeing towards the door, but I'm faster, and I grab him by his shoulders, and slam him against the wall.  
I hear his head hit it with a thud, and he shuts his eyes, sliding to the floor, cradling his head in his hands. 

"Niall please," I choke out, losing my composure  
"Please don't make this any harder than it has to be"  
He looks up at me, blue eyes meeting mine, and whimpers softly. 

"Please Zayn" he whispers,  
"Please don't do this" 

Something inside of me breaks, and I pull him into my arms. 

"I don't expect you to understand Niall, but I have to do this for me. It's something I HAVE to do, and I'm so sorry" I say, rubbing his back  
I feel him freeze beneath me, and then he slowly nods.  
"It's- it's alright Zayn. It's okay" he says, pulling back. 

I nod, and pull him up with me, nodding at the bed.  
"Strip, and get on your hands and knees" I say, my voice strangled. 

Why is he being compliant? Why?  
Does he not realize what I'm about to do to him?

I push the thought out of my head and watch him get undressed, biting back a moan. He has pale, milky white flesh hidden underneath the layers of clothes, a semi-hard cock springs out of his boxers as he shuffles out of them. He takes one last glance at me, before crawling on the bed, ass in the air for me perfectly.  
I groan, feeling myself fully erect, and walk over to him, massaging his ass cheeks gently. 

He's so beautiful, spread out for me so submissively on the bed. 

Before I realize it, my hand is flying the the air, colliding with bum with a sharp *smack*  
He whines, gripping the sheets with his hands, body beginning to tremble again.  
I quickly pull my own jeans and boxers down, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible. 

My eyes glaze over as I spit into my hand, pumping my cock quickly. 

This is for you Zayn  
You have to see that you can't be like this  
This is wrong  
This is dirty  
This is disgusting  
Think of how disappointed your mother and sisters would be. 

I don't give him any warning, I just slam into him, hissing through my teeth as I'm engulfed in his tight heat. 

Niall lets out a scream, and I yank him up by his hair, his back pressed against my chest and I cover his mouth, thrusting in and out of him violently. I can hear his muffled sobs and screams through my hand, but the only thing I can concentrate on is how tight he is, how his muscles clench around me, how hot everything is.  
I let out a moan, hips slapping against his, and I let him fall back on his arms.  
"Zayn please hurts stop please hurts so bad" he cries, and I silence him by delivering a blow to his shoulder.  
He cries out, and falls into his chest, his arms giving out from under him. 

It goes like that for a while, me loving the feeling of being buried inside of him, and then me taking out my anger with myself on him. 

By the time I've came inside of him, he's quiet, face pressed to the side against a pillow. 

I pull out quickly, looking at him, truly disgusted. 

He's a trembling mess on the bed, a bit of blood mixed with my seamen leaking out of his raw, angry abused hole. His body is covered in angry purple and red bruises, which I know will be darker and worse in the morning. 

I shake my head as I leave the room, full of hatred.

I can't decide if it's towards him, or at myself....


	7. Still in love with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so that last chapter was a little dark...  
> Time for some Narry fluff to make it better :)
> 
> P.S I'm looking for anyone who wants to co-write a story with me, let me know in the comments if you'd be interested!

Harry's POV

 

I checked my watch, tapping my foot nervously. It was 11:37am, and all of the boys except for Niall were at the recording studio, and all of us were also nursing very bad hangovers. 

Liam, Louis and I were first to arrive, all of us somehow managed to find one of our hotel rooms last night, and we all passed out, in various locations. I ended up in a chair next to the bed, Liam was face down in the kitchen area, and Louis God forbid, ended up in the bathtub.   
I was the first to wake out of all of them, immediately going to put on a kettle and make us all tea, almost stepping on Liam in the process.   
"Li, c'mon, let's get you in bed yeah?" I coo to him, helping him stand up. I guide him over to the bed, and he plops down, immediately going back to sleep.   
I go downstairs to the front desk, getting many boxes of aspirin, ibuprofen, and Tylenol.   
When I got back to the room, Louis had wandered out of the bathroom, cocooned himself in a blanket, and was leaning on the counter.   
"You're such a mum, Styles" he teases me, his hair messy yet still managing to look perfect like it always does.   
"I could be dad, and bend you over my knee and give you a good spankin'" I joke, sticking my tongue out.   
"Nooooo" I hear Liam grumble, and Louis and I both laugh.   
"Then tell Louis to not make fun of my momma bear ways" I warn Liam, grabbing a few mugs and pouring The hot water in.   
I put the tea bags in the mugs, and I hand one to Louis, along with some aspirin, and kiss his forehead.   
"You look like shit, but a very cute piece of shit," I inform him, and he swats me away.   
I head over to Liam, setting the tea and medicine on the nightstand next to him, and climb in bed with him, snuggling up next to the older boy. 

"Lou- Lou come joinnus'" Liam grumbles, and Louis saunters over, joining the cuddle pile. 

"be perfect if little Nialler and Zayn were here" Lou mumbles, spooning me, arms wrapping around my waist pulling me closer.

"Speaking of, we actually need to get goin' lads," I remind them.   
I shift, giving Lou a peck on the cheek, and hop off the bed. 

 

30 minutes later, we're at the studio

Zayn finally strolled in, minutes after us, and I hear Liam curse under his breath. 

"Christ Zayn, you look like shit," he frowns, getting up from his seat and going to inspect the raven haired boy.   
He actually did look like shit.   
Dark circles were formed under his eyes, his normally warm caramel skin had a pale-ish tint to it, his normally perfect quiffed hair was a mess. His eyes looked pained and tired, and he accepted Liam's hug.   
"I think I've exceeded the ibuprofen limit," he chuckles and I frown.   
"Niall's not with you?"   
"No, he's not with you?" 

Louis shakes his head, frown growing on his face. 

"Didn't he go back to your room last night?" He asks, pulling out his phone. 

"He did for a bit, we watched a movie, but he left early, said he didn't feel well," Zayn frowns. 

"He's not answering his cell" Louis says, beginning to pace. 

I feel panic begging to rise in my chest.   
Liam seems to sense this and comes to comfort me.   
"He probably drank to much last night, and he's sleeping it off." He reassures me. 

I nod, still upset. 

Management comes in, asking where Niall is.   
"Probably sick, we all had a bit much to drink last night," Zayn explains, running a hand through his hair. 

 

They nod, and tell us we can have the day off.   
We all thank them, gratefully, but decided to stay here in case Niall shows up. 

I glance at my watch, tapping my foot nervously. 11:37am

I hear a crash from outside the door, and then a string of curse words.   
The door slowly opens, and I let out a startled cry.   
Niall walks in, head down, wearing grey sweatpants and a loose fitting black t-shirt. I don't even notice what he's wearing, all I can see are the horrible black, blue, and red bruises that cover almost everywhere where clothing isn't covering.   
He looks up, a soft smile on his face, and I feel tears forming.   
His smile doesn't reach his eyes, and it's obvious he's in pain.   
His left eye is bruised, and he has a ugly red mark of a handprint around his neck. 

"Niall-" I let out a cry, standing up and rushing to my best friend, Louis and Liam following shortly behind me.


	8. Repercussions

Niall's POV

 

Earlier that morning....

As soon as my eyes blink open, my vision is clouded. I feel the wet streams trickling down my face, as I let out a cry of pain.  
The minute I wake up, I feel as though every inch of my body is on fire.  
I try and sit up, letting out a muffled scream, burying my face in the pillow next to me on the bed.  
Pain ripples up and down my back and chest, my bum feeling like its ripping in two with every slight move I make. 

I steady my breathing, and calm myself down, trying to remember what happened last night. 

Drinking...  
We were out drinking  
All five of us  
Too much to drink  
I had way to much to drink  
Zayn  
We  
We went to his room  
Cuddling  
I kissed..  
I kissed him

I shake my head furiously, closing my eyes.  
I don't want to picture the rest. I know what happened. 

Zayn... The boy that I looked up to, the boy that I loved, that I trusted  
"He raped me..." I whisper, tears starting to fall again. 

I muster all the strength I can manage, and pull myself up out of the bed, and hobble over to the bathroom. 

I fumble for the light switch, biting back cries of pain as every step I take feels like a jolt of electricity through my spin.  
I had imagined Zayn being big... But I didn't realize he was that big 

I manage to flip the light switch on, and nearly pass out at my reflection in the mirror. I hardly recognize myself. My white flesh is like a canvas, painted in purple, red, blue and black hues, all up and down my body.  
I have a bruise around my left eye, and a mark of a handprint around my neck.  
I close my eyes, leaning on the counter for support, and let out another cry.  
My shoulder feels like someone hit it with a sledge hammer. That must be where Zayn hit it... I think, and a soft sob escapes my lips. I see a dried trail of blood from my bum down to the end of my thigh, and I shake my head, feeling disgusted with myself.  
I hope in the shower, wanting desperately to scrub away this feeling forming inside me, bubbling up under my skin.  
"Faggot" I hear him say in my head, over and over.  
I see the utter look of hatred and disgust on his face when his hands closed down on my throat.  
I fall in a heap on the bathtub floor, letting the warm water hit me, carry away all the traces of last night, except for the bruises, and the pain that's creeping into my heart. 

I don't know how long I sit like that on the floor of the shower, but I do know that I cried until I couldn't cry anymore.  
I make my way out of the shower, drying off and freezing, realizing that I'm still in Zayns room.  
I wrap a towel around me, and hurry to my own room, silently thanking management for booking all of us separate rooms. 

After I get dresses, I down a couple aspirin and ibuprofen, and lie back on my bed, staring at the ceiling... What am I gonna tell the boys when the ask me...?

 

Present 

"Niall-" I hear Harry cry, and I see him, Louis and Liam all rush to me, worried looks on their faces. I had told myself I was going to be strong, that I would put on a brave face, and I wouldn't cry, but when Harry scooped me into his arms, and he, Louis and Liam began peppering kisses gently on all the bruises they could find, I broke down and lost it. 

"Ni, Niall baby what happened?" Harry coos, and I let him lead me to a couch, and I cling to him desperately, not wanting the younger boy to leave me.  
I look up, and my eyes grow wide, I see Zayn standing in the corner, and I duck my head down, burying my face into Liam's chest, who's in front of me, kissing my head.  
"Zayn said you left his room cause you weren't feeling well, what happened? Did someone hurt you?" Louis asks, and I nod, going with the story I had already made up before hand.  
I couldn't bring myself to tell them Zayn had done this to me.  
I had really done it to myself.  
If I wasn't gay, if I was normal and there wasn't something wrong with me.  
I didn't want to be the reason the band broke up, I feel like everyone would hate me.  
"I-I left, didn't f-f-feel good. H-had too m-much to drink," I manage to say between cries.  
Harry hums, and rubs my back, and I snuggle into him, craving his warmth and protection.  
The other boys seem to sense this, they've known how close Harry and I are.  
"We'll leave you two alone for a bit yeah? See if we can find an ice pack or somethin'" Liam says, taking Louis by the hand.  
"Have you had anything to eat Niall?" I whip my head up, looking at Zayn.  
He's standing with his arms crossed, a broken look on his face. He comes over and kisses my forehead, and I try to cover up my wince by shaking my head.  
"N-no," I reply, not looking at him. I busy myself with playing at a loose sting on Harry's shirt.  
"Want me to get you somethin'? Does Nandos sound good?" He purrs, knowing that I can't resist.  
I nod, looking up at him, but not meeting his gaze, managing a weak smile.  
"Thanks Zee..." I  
I dare looking up at him, and am surprised by his expression.  
I see love and compassion in his eyes, the same look he gave me before last night happened. The look he would give me when we were goofing around, or doing something together. He looks at me, and I swear I see a hint of an apology in his eyes, and he turns away, ushering Louis and Liam out the door with him, leaving me in a state of confusion.  
Did I imagine the whole thing that happened last night?

Harry brings me back to reality by kissing my cheek and playing with my hair.  
"Niall... What happened?"  
The tears are back, and I give him my well rehearsed lie.  
"I left Zayns, I felt sick but I wanted to go outside and think... There's just been a lot of stress with the tour and everything," I sniffle, and he wraps his arms around me, shifting us so he's spooning me, nuzzling my neck gently, encouraging me to continue.  
"I went outside, and was walking around for a bit... Was stupid of me cause I was still drunk. I don't really remember much but this bloke tried muggin' meh n' when I told 'im I didn't have anythin' on meh, he beat meh up," I finish, glad that I'm turned away from Harry so he can't see me crying.  
I spoke too soon. He sits up, pulling me with him so we're face to face, and I look up into his big emerald eyes, full of worry and concern.  
I blink, and suddenly am pulled back into last night, hearing Zayn's venoms words seep into my skin.  
"Faggot"  
I look at Harry, feeling extremely guilty, and ashamed. This is my best friend I think, and I've been using him to let up on my sexual frustration.  
I am a slut...  
He's probably disgusted with me too, but too polite to say anything. 

I sit up suddenly, pulling myself out of Harry's arms, and stand up, hand raking through my hair.  
"Niall," Harry frowns, standing up.  
"What's wrong? What was that just there?" He questions me, and takes a step towards me.  
I look down, and shake my head, shame coursing though my body.  
You're such a slut Niall.... The whole band probably thinks it.  
Harry thinks it.  
He's probably not even your best friend.  
He's probably repulsed by me, only pretending to be my friend, just for the sake of keeping the band together.  
"Niall," he says sharply, tilting my chin up to meet his gaze.  
He wipes away my tears with his thumb, and kisses my forehead gently.  
I shake my head, pulling back.  
No I can't do this with him anymore.  
I can't like it when he treats me like this.  
More tears start to fall when I realize  
I can't be gay.  
The only way for the band to accept me is if I make myself not gay.  
It sounds so wrong in my head, but I know it has to be done.  
"Ni-" Harry starts but I cut him off  
"M' gonna go back to the hotel. M' really tired still, tell the boys I'll be fine. I really just want to alone right now" I throw over my shoulder, leaving a shocked, concerned and confused Harry standing alone in the room.


End file.
